


The Ape's Worst Adventure in the World

by Tadpole4176



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Adventure, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:27:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24734659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: It's looking like being a bit of an unusual adventure. Jeremy, James and Richard didn't get to choose their own cars, and Andy seems to have chosen the cars they each complained the most about, which isn't a great start.Then The Stig, despite no longer working with them, sticks his oar in, and it all gets a whole lot weirder.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

Several Months Ago

Stig entered his room, his brain noting the lunch left on the table for him – as usual – through his visor, but much more interested in the gaudily wrapped gift beside it. Multi-coloured stormtrooper head wrapping paper, The Stig was very impressed, and took a moment to admire the wrapping paper before even touching the box.

Then curiosity began to win. He reached for the present with both hands, lifting it to his helmet and staring at it for a few seconds, before shaking it gently and tilting his head. His body tensed, pleased with what he heard, and rapidly – despite his still gloved hands – he had the paper removed. There in front of him was a CD of Weird Al’s Running with Scissors, and a bobble head of Darth Vader.

Extracting the CD from its case, The Stig inserted it into an ancient, polished CD player in the corner of the room, then took a moment to study the Dream Cars calendar on the wall, before pulling out the only chair in the room and settling down in front of Darth Vader and his sandwiches, only then noticing the card.

The front had a picture of The Body from The Cube, inside it simply read:

“Happy Birthday Stig! Hope you have a great day, Andy Wilman.”

***

“This is a bit…” began Richard, gesturing at their surroundings – a dense forest – and the inauspicious presence of their three cars, in this case a VW beetle, a Reliant Robin and a 2CV. It was already mid-afternoon, the sun was beating down on them, and so far they had no idea what they were doing. They hadn’t even had much of a say in the cars, Richard was pretty sure Andy had just picked the cars they’d complained about the most. They were probably only missing a Marina because Andy thought it would be best not to overdo that particular joke.

Not that they would.

“I think it’s Mr Wilman’s age,” whispered Jeremy from beside him, bending down conspiratorially.

“His age?” Richard looked up at him in confusion.

“It’s a big birthday tomorrow, sometimes people get stressed about that.”

“You mean like you did?” asked Richard, using his fingers to mime someone tall getting drunk and falling over. Jeremy’s last birthday had been quite amusing, what he could remember of it.

“Perhaps not exactly like that,” admitted Jeremy.

“This is ridiculous,” put in James, shoulders slumped and hands in pockets as he wandered over to them. “How are we supposed to make it across any country in those? Let alone start in a jungle and make it across on half built roads.”

“I thought we were testing a new road?” put in Richard, trying to remember the details of the meeting. He did remember, quite clearly, something about a new road. And that they weren’t getting to know many details in advance, or choosing their own cars, in fact.

“Well it’s not here, is it? So I’m going to say that it’s not as simple as we were led to believe.”

“Gentlemen,” coughed Jeremy. “I think the details of our challenge have arrived.” He waved his phone at them. “Text from the man himself.”

“You will,” read Jeremy,” drive your three cars from here in the Sapo Jungle to the Liberian capital Monrovia, a distance over around 270km. In Monrovia, you will purchase a load of fruit for delivery, and take the new Suakoko Highway to the Guinea border, which is a similar distance. You will thereby demonstrate the effectiveness of new roads on even the worst cars.”

“So, nearly 600km? In these?” complained James. “That’s something like 350 miles.”

Jeremy grinned. “There’s always the backup car,” he suggested.

James groaned. “There’s a car that’s worse? What’s the backup car? Does it even have a motor?”

Jeremy nodded into the trees behind the others. There, lurking partially behind the bushes, was an Ariel Atom.

“What? But?” James spluttered. “Has he gone mad?”

“Clever,” grinned Richard. “Not getting many fruit in that, are you.”

“I don’t care,” replied James. “Anything’s better than this,” he scowled at his car as he gestured to it, “pram.” The bright orange 2CV seemed to glare back at him.

“There’s more,” said Jeremy. “You must break down in order to use the backup car. Anyone arriving at the destination without any fruit will be forced to start again.”

“I think I can fit one orange into an Atom,” said James. “Just give me a minute to drive this into a tree.”

“Not if I get there first,” laughed Richard, racing to the Beetle.

Jeremy laughed. “James you’ve got no chance, he’s way more experienced at crashing!”

“Plus he’ll run on television,” accepted James, not even bothering to chase after him. “Go for it, Hamster, this tree looks good.”

“James, he’ll take you seriously,” he added. “If he gets squashed into that tree, you’re cleaning it up.”

“On second thoughts,” James held up his hand, apparently stopping Richard, though so far he hadn’t started moving.

“It’s fine, James, it won’t start.”

Jeremy and James shared a look, then burst into laughter. “Told you they were rubbish,” spluttered James.

“I think that really went without saying,” grinned Richard, turning the key on his Beetle once more and finally hearing the engine cough to life.

“Let’s get this going then,” sighed Jeremy, moving to squeeze himself into the Reliant Robin.

***

The jungle, thankfully, turned out to be mainly subterfuge, likely an effort on Andy’s part to make them think the whole journey was going to be a nightmare, Jeremy suspected, given their terrible cars. Once they’d found a track leading out of the clearing where they’d been dropped off with their cars, they’d emerged to find a rough road leading to a small village, and even managed to discover a proper touristy – and oddly American looking – hotel before it grew dark. Compensation for the terrible cars, perhaps?

Jeremy parked up, managing to keep the robin on all three wheels and exit the car before Richard had chance to crash into the back of him.

“Sorry!” called Richard anyway.

Jeremy shrugged. “Crash away!” He moved onto the grass verge to give himself a bit more distance, for safety, as he waited for Hammond to climb out of his car.

Richard sprang out quickly, exuberant as usual, ready to natter Jeremy’s ear off about how terrible his car was, most likely.

“Where’s Captain Slow?”

Richard shrugged. “Don’t know, maybe something fell off while he was still in the jungle. I haven’t seen him for a bit. I turned the radio off, too much complaining.” His cheeky grin making its way across his face as he spoke.

Jeremy grinned back. “He’s probably just lost then, no sense making it sound exciting. Come on, let’s go in and see what this place has to offer.”

“Looks good so far,” nodded Richard, still hanging back, looking up at the grand looking building. “Jez, I’m scared!”

“Yeah, me too,” agreed Jeremy, swallowing, then finally striding towards the hotel entrance. There was no way Andy would let them stay somewhere like this on one of their trips, surely not. What was funny about staying in a nice hotel? 

“I bet it’s haunted or something,” suggested Richard.

“Insect infested?” offered Jeremy.

“Ugh, don’t Jez,” shuddered Richard.

Jeremy just laughed.


	2. Chapter 2

Richard rolled over in his sleep, then squeaked as he suddenly found himself on the floor.

“Woah!” he exclaimed, reaching down to check himself for injuries, only to discover that his arms didn’t seem to be working properly. “What?” Richard looked down at his hands, found that they didn’t look entirely familiar, and then discovered that his nose felt furry. He wasn’t sure what to make of it. The world looked strange, and furry, and he didn’t hurt, but his body didn’t seem to be working properly.

“That’s not right,” he said to himself, just as, with a click, he heard the door to his room open. He spun round, unsure who it might be.

“Room service!”

Wow, how late had he slept in? Richard was surprised, he didn’t really remember drinking heavily the night before. Jet lag was no excuse since he hadn’t moved any time zones. Weird.

“No thanks,” he called out, hurriedly, discovering that his voice seemed to sound unusually squeaky. Maybe he was coming down with something! Something that also made his arms funny and his nose look furry…

The maid didn’t seem to hear him, advancing further into the room without even pausing. He wondered if maybe she was wearing headphones or something, but he couldn’t see any sign of them.

Then she screamed. Proper, ear piercing, painful screaming. And she didn’t let up either.

Richard did the only thing he could think of – he ran. Straight through the open door and to the left to find Jez’s room, only one door away. It seemed further than he was expecting, but Richard didn’t spare time to worry about it, he ran, hammering on his mate’s door as soon as he reached it.

“Jez! Jez! Let me in!” Still, his voice and his knocking seemed too quiet, Jeremy would never hear him.

Behind him, he could still hear the screaming maid, and now there were noises of people coming to help her, he was desperate to get out of the way. Somewhere away from this corridor.

Finally, the door opened, and Richard scuttled in with a massive sigh of relief. Until he looked up at his friend.

“Jez?”

Before him, stood an orang-utan, who was hurriedly closing the door behind him. “Yeah.” The great ape rubbed a gigantic hand over his head in a surprisingly familiar gesture.

“You’re an orang-utan!”

“Yeah, I noticed that.”

“The maid screamed at me.”

“Hamster, I hate to mention this, but you’re a hamster.”

“I’m not!” But his heart wasn’t in it. Seeing Jeremy as an orang-utan just made him as a hamster into a perfectly logical explanation that explained everything.

Well, nearly everything.

Jeremy just waited.

“I’m a hamster?” whispered Richard, in his squeaky voice.

“Yeah, come on, I’ll show you the mirror.” Jeremy held his hand out, and after a brief hesitation, Richard scurried on to it, allowing his friend to transfer him to his shoulder as he half walked and half crawled to the bathroom, then nimbly climbed onto the sink to peer into the mirror.

“That was a bit easier than it would have been,” remarked Richard, admiring Jeremy’s agility, though mostly postponing actually looking in the mirror.

“Yeah, hardly any aches or pains, it’s nice,” agreed Jeremy, waiting unusually patiently for Richard to get his act together.

Finally, Richard looked into the mirror, and there, nestled on the shoulder of a sizeable orang-utan, sat a tiny, really tiny, hamster.

“Jez?” he whispered.

Gazing into his friend’s eyes through the mirror, Jeremy nodded.

“I’m really a hamster.” Richard tried to swallow down his horror. “What am I going to do? I’ll get squashed! Or my kids will keep me as a pet! How am I going to drive my car?”

Jeremy grinned, chuckling. “Really, Hamster? You’re worried about driving that horrendous Beetle?”

Richard laughed, making a strange squeaking noise as he did so. “Maybe not that car.”

“And it’s not like you’re any smaller than normal,” added Jeremy.

“Oi,” Richard would definitely have at least thumped his arm under normal circumstances. Humph. He stamped his tiny feet a little, well aware that he was probably doing little more than tickling Jez’s new, red hair. Then he remembered their third member. “Oh, Jez?”

“Hmm?”

“What about James? Which room’s his?”

“Next one along, I even have a spare key card,” said Jeremy. “Though I’m not sure I can really wear my clothes like this, so no pockets.”

“You think you’ve got problems!”

“True,” shrugged Jeremy. “Come on, let’s go see how Captain Slow’s doing,” Jeremy paused. “And whether he’s still Captain Slow. I wonder if he could turn into an animal that makes him drive faster?”

“Maybe,” Richard shrugged. “Doesn’t seem likely though.” He paused. “You think you’ll get away with walking down the corridor like that?”

“Hat and coat?” suggested Jeremy. “Or swinging from the window with my new extra-long arms.”

Richard tried to picture swinging between windows on the outside of the hotel whilst desperately holding onto Jeremy’s hair. In each version of the event he pictured, they either ended up splattered against James’ window or lying in a pile of rubbish on the ground. “Coat,” he said.

Jeremy nodded agreeably and ambled back into the room, grabbing his coat and shoving his arms into it, almost burying Richard in the process. “Sorry,” he commented, casually. “You want to sit in the breast pocket?”

Richard didn’t really want anything of the sort, but he wasn’t sure there was a better option. “OK,” he conceded, feeling even more vulnerable than he had earlier when the maid had started screaming at him.

“Hat,” muttered Jeremy, rifling through his bag and withdrawing a cap he’d been wearing the day before. “Keys,” he added, returning to the bag after he’d put his hat on. “Including keys for your room, because I think we’re going to have to collect your stuff, and I bet you don’t have your key card in your little hamster pocket.”

“I might have forgotten I needed the key,” admitted Richard, embarrassed despite the impossibility of even getting to his key card when he’d run away. He had to concede, it hadn’t even occurred to him.

“Let’s go find James.”

***

James yawned and stretched, taking a moment to appreciate the blissful comfort of his bed. He was on one of their adventures and he was waking up in a comfortable bed, and he couldn’t smell anything too terrible. Maybe there were compensations for spending all day in a truly atrocious car, he conceded.

In fact, there were really quite a lot of interesting smells in here, very few of them unpleasant.

James yawned again, then sat up in bed, only to have his peaceful awakening disturbed by a hammering at the door.

“James! James! It’s us, let us in!”

Clarkson. James ignored him for a moment, then jumped as the oaf apparently decided to skip privacy, or in fact James’ improving mood, and clearly made use of a spare key card in the lock.

“What could possibly be so…” James stopped mid-sentence. There, sidling through his door, stood – well, sort of – a full size orang-utan. Wearing Jezza’s coat and hat.

And talking in his voice.

James rubbed his eyes, only then noticing there was something wrong with him too. He had paws.

“Well that answers that question,” said Jeremy, unnecessarily.

“It does a bit.” Hammond sounded odd, a bit squeaky, and for the moment James couldn’t work out where his voice was actually coming from.

“Oh cock,” said James, realising that he certainly hadn’t escaped whatever calamity had befallen his comrades. Spaniel, presumably. “Why couldn’t I have turned into a Captain?”

“Careful what you wish for,” put in Richard, “could have been a sloth.”

“True,” shrugged James, awkwardly, discovering that his shoulders really weren’t meant for that at the moment. “Spaniel, then?”

“Yeah,” nodded Richard, forgetting that James couldn’t see him.

“Hamster?”

“Oh, yeah.” Richard scrambled out of Jeremy’s pocket, nose first.

“I do believe you’re an English Cocker spaniel, to be precise,” put in Jeremy.

“Fabulous,” muttered James, jumping cautiously from the bed. “I’m thinking having paws excuses me from driving my appalling eyesore anyway, which is one bonus.”

“It didn’t grow on you, then?” grinned Jeremy, leaning over to slump against the bed, pushing the edge of the hotel white duvet out of the way as he did so. “We do need a plan though,” he added. “I don’t think we can stay in this hotel indefinitely.”

“Especially not like this,” agreed James.

“You think you’ve got problems,” added Richard. “The maid screamed when she saw me.”

James laughed. “I didn’t like to comment,” he put in. “You look very scary.”

Impressively, tiny, tiny, even tinier than usual Richard managed to glare at him.

“Even scarier,” added James.

He paused, looking around the room at his stuff, and realising that whilst his belongings were relatively well ordered and would just require him to use his doggy mouth to grab them, the same almost certainly wasn’t going to be true of the others.

“Right, you two hang on a minute while I grab my stuff,” he said, finally.

“You want me to get anything?” asked Jeremy, unusually helpfully, showing off his opposable thumbs.

“Bathroom,” suggested James, leaving them to the fiddly little stuff, while he used his mouth to collect his few belongings that weren’t already in his bag in the main room. Five minutes later, Jeremy plonked his bathroom gear into his bag, and James grabbed the handles in his mouth.

“Ready?” asked Richard.

“Just let me check one more time,” said James, placing the bag down carefully for a moment as he scrambled under the bed, then trotted through the bathroom, making sure he wasn’t missing anything.

Jeremy rolled his eyes in impatience, but said nothing as James grabbed his bag again.

“Yoursh nexsht?”

“Back to mine,” nodded Jeremy, getting up and reaching for the door.

***

As they opened the door to go back into the corridor, Richard hunkered down in Jeremy’s pocket, keen not to be spotted by any potentially screaming staff. He did notice, however, that it seemed to be a lot quieter than when they’d come out to find James in the first place, and there was no sign of the cleaning trolley. Nonetheless, Jeremy didn’t hang around fishing in his pocket for his own key and getting them all into his room.

Safe again, Richard eased himself upwards, taking in the devastation that was Jeremy’s room.

“So what is the plan, then?” he asked.

Naturally, Jeremy had a plan. Jeremy always had a plan. It wasn’t sensible, but it was a plan, and as always, it was certainly ambitious.

“We’ll complete the challenge together,” said Jeremy, as though that was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Like one of those cartoons?” asked Richard. “Where I control the brake, James the accelerator and you steer?”

“No, I’m pretty sure I can still drive. Just not sure my shoes will fit. Maybe my slippers…” there was a rocking motion in the pocket as Jeremy set off looking for his slippers, walking round James, who was attempting to tidy Jeremy’s room using only his mouth. “Plus I definitely wouldn’t put James in charge of the accelerator, or you in charge of the brakes!”

“You don’t think we should stay around here and work out what’s happened to us?” put in James, pausing in his tidying with a look of disgust discernible despite his doggy features.

“No, it’ll be challenge related. Andy will be behind it somehow. Unless you managed to really upset some locals and tell them which animals the three of us are best known as in the 24 hours we’ve been here?”

James shook his head. “Fair point.”

“So we’re going to drive to the Guinea border?” asked Richard. “As animals?”

“Well, yes, unless someone sees fit to turn us back before we get there.”

“And you think they’ll fix us when we get there?” Richard couldn’t help but worry a little bit, even if he didn’t really want to admit it.

“Definitely,” said Jeremy confidently.

Richard couldn’t have said why, but his confidence did help. Soon they were exiting the hotel, thankfully without anyone noting Jeremy’s disguise, or spotting Richard in his pocket. Jeremy carried his and Richard’s bags easily enough, with James trotting along beside him looking for all the world like the world’s best trained dog and earning more second glances than Jeremy himself.

Still, it was a relief to reach the cars. With each of the three keys in his hand, Jeremy looked between them, undecided. “So which is it going to be?” he asked.

“Not the 2CV,” said James. “I refuse to even contemplate getting back into that thing.”

“Beetle or Robin then,” observed Richard. “This is like doing the end at the beginning,” he added. “It’s all backwards.”

“We’ve deliberately got the worst cars, and we’re each an entirely different physical shape to normal, it’s already all different and backwards,” said James. “We even stayed in a nice hotel.”

“True. That doesn’t mean we have to drive backwards, does it?” asked Richard.

“It means we need the very worst car,” announced Jeremy. “And that James is now able to lick himself.”

“Jez!” winced Richard.

“Clarkson!” objected James.

“Robin,” said Jeremy, unlocking the door and ignoring them. Decision made.


	3. Chapter 3

“Right, get in,” Jeremy ushered James into the passenger seat, grabbing his bag from him, then carefully removed Richard from his pocket, and placed him between James’ front paws.

“Don’t squash me, will you, James?” asked Richard, looking up nervously.

James’ tongue hung out in what appeared to be silent laughter. “I don’t know why you’re worried now, it’s no different to normal.”

“Ha ha,” squeaked Richard, his voice muffled as Jeremy pushed the door shut and carried the three bags round to the boot, before climbing in himself.

Of course, getting comfortable in the driver’s seat was a bit more complicated than he’d really considered. Whilst, as an orang-utan, he was broadly human shaped, he was also differently proportioned, and certainly considerably shorter than he would normally be. Dragging the seat forward significantly, Jeremy tried to ignore the other two giggling at him about practically sitting in the steering wheel.

“Don’t know why you’re laughing about short legs, Hamster,” grumbled Jeremy.

“I don’t sit that far forward, mate,” choked Richard, pointedly staring at where Jeremy’s belly was touching the steering wheel. “You’re going to end up grabbing your hair if you’re not careful.”

Jeremy looked down, conceding that his friend had a point, and ambled out of the car again, going to his bag and fetching one of his shirts.

“There,” he said, pulling it on surprisingly efficiently, then throwing his – much too hot – coat disguise onto the back seat. “No hair grabbing.”

“And very stylish,” added Richard, apparently immune to Jeremy’s glare.

“Quite,” agreed James.

“Arms,” said Jeremy, looking at his own arms in bemusement. “It turns out that orang-utans have really quite a lot of arm.” He reached down to wind down the Robin’s window, leaning his elbow on the sill in order to give himself a bit more room.

“At least you won’t end up with the lorry driver’s tan,” commented James.

Jeremy chuckled. “True,” he agreed, trying to arrange his right arm comfortably without elbowing James in the face every time he changed gear.

Not that he minded elbowing James in the face occasionally, but too frequently could be problematic. Not to mention the probability of James taking revenge if he did.

Finally settled, and vaguely comfortable, Jeremy turned the ignition key and the little engine roared, well – spluttered, into life.

“Yes!” shouted Jeremy, making both of the others jump.

“Contained space, Jezza! Indoor voice!” complained James.

“Right,” said Jeremy, much more quietly, carefully placing his slipper-clad feet onto the pedals and his huge hand on the gear lever, then slowly pulling away from the hotel.

“We are off!”

James and Richard winced again, but didn’t say anything. James had his eyes locked on the road and his teeth tightly clenched within his doggy mouth. Richard, on the other hand, couldn’t see a thing, and thought he should have warning if they were about to crash, so he was trying to climb higher within the car.

Of course, James was the only available climbing frame.

“Hammond! What are you doing?”

“Shh, you’ll put Jez off!” whispered Richard.

“Hmm,” muttered James. “Why are you fondling my leg?”

“I’m not!” snapped Richard. “I’m trying to see out of the window.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” James grumbled, glaring at Jeremy as though the whole thing was his fault.

“What?” protested Jeremy, turning to look at them and swerving alarmingly.

“Eyes on the road!” protested James.

“Stop distracting me then. What are you so grumpy about?”

“Aside from being turned into a dog?”

“Well, you always had a chunk of spaniel in you, so it’s only a partial change,” put in Jeremy, “but yes.”

“Because this prat is climbing up my leg, because I’m faced with three hundred miles of your driving while you are actually an ape, and because my hands don’t work. And I’m drooling.”

“Just let it all out, James,” put in Richard, clinging desperately somewhere in the vicinity of James’ knee. “At least you don’t have to drive the 2CV anymore. And look at me, I can’t even see out of the car window.”

James let out a laugh that sounded suspiciously like a bark. “I’m surprised you can see out of the window normally.”

Jeremy, looking more confident in the use of his arms now, gently pulled up at the side of the road, and using his much more dextrous hand grabbed Richard and placed him on the dashboard. “There,” he said. “Problem solved.”

“I’m still a dog!” pointed out James.

“Yes, well, I don’t have an immediate cure for that, but I’m working on it.” Jeremy gestured ahead of them. “Why don’t you help by navigating?”

“Oh god,” said Richard. “I’m going to be a hamster forever.”

Jeremy laughed. “No change there then, you’ll always be our Hamster!”

He reached out and patted Richard on the back with just a single, gigantic digit, then casually grabbed a map from below the passenger seat, flicking to the right page before settling it on the passenger seat at James’ feet.

“Are we good to go now?” asked Jeremy impatiently, looking around at both his companions.

Richard nodded, finding himself a small hole where he could dig in and avoid getting hurled around the dashboard the next time Jeremy braked sharply.

“Fine,” said James, already peering intently at the map. “Let’s get this over with.”

***

Two hundred kilometres was a long way on rough roads, especially when travelling in a Reliant Robin driven by an orang-utan. Jeremy did well, Richard had to admit, but there was just no way they were getting to Monrovia that quickly, to say nothing of how on earth they were going to be able to haggle over any significant quantity of fruit when they got there.

Three hours after setting off, and probably only halfway to Monrovia, all three of them were starving. Richard felt as though every bump in the road (and there were plenty) was sending a jolt of desperate hunger from his stomach to his brain, and he had started nibbling at his paws to try and distract himself. Jeremy, too, was clearly getting desperate, as his stomach – apparently as loud as the rest of him – growled like a localised thunderstorm every few minutes. James merely seemed to drool more, as though his mouth was producing saliva to help him digest food that he was only dreaming about. After a particularly loud stomach-quake, Jeremy pulled over, pointing enthusiastically at a pet shop he’d spotted in the latest village.

“A pet shop? You want me to eat from a pet shop??” exclaimed James. “Have you seen dog food?”

Richard nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think I fancy mixed hamster food much either,” he added. “Could we just get some fruit?”

“Yes! That’s a good idea,” exclaimed Jeremy. “Hamster and I can eat fruit, and I see a grocer’s right there.”

“But I can’t,” sighed James.

“Sorry, James. I’ve never heard of a dog eating fruit before,” said Richard, unusually sympathetically. He knew how it felt to struggle with strange food, and James was starting to look even more down in the dumps. He’d been so miserable, Richard was starting to think he should have turned into a Basset Hound instead.

Jeremy frowned. “There must be something that’s not dog food you could eat though. Butcher’s?” he suggested.

“Sausages!” cried Richard, enthusiastically.

“Hamster, now I’m dreaming about bacon butties,” objected Jeremy.

“Bacon….” said James, perking up as he realised that, if he could find it, he might actually do better than the others.

“I’m so hungry,” said Richard. “I’m considering gnawing my own foot.” He didn’t mention that he’d already started on that.

“Not worth it,” laughed Jeremy. “Even the whole of you wouldn’t stop me being hungry,” he added.

“Ha ha,” responded Richard. “What’s the plan then? How are we going to actually buy food?”

“Jezza’s disguise?” said James. “Seems like pretty much the only thing that’s going to work.”

As Richard watched, he could see the cogs whirring round in Jeremy’s brain – a scary sight.

“I have a Bill Oddie mask in my bag.”

“Really?” said Richard.

“Of course you do, you ape,” added James. “I imagine it’s a bit battered if it’s been in there since Japan?”

“Aged!” cried Jeremy. “But that’s OK, because Bill Oddie is now older.”

“Right,” James paused for effect. “So you’ve got your shirt, hat, slippers and a Bill Oddie mask. But you can talk, so maybe people won’t assume you’re a dressed up ape. You’re going to go into two shops, buy what you need and come back here?”

“Three,” said Jeremy, insistently.

“Why?” asked Richard, puzzled.

Jeremy glanced surreptitiously at James. “We need to get James a collar,” he whispered.

“What!” James roared, almost as loud as Jeremy talking normally.

“Look,” said Jeremy, calmly. “I don’t know what the rules are about stray animals here, my guess is they don’t have many stray orang-utans and they’ll steer clear…”

“… They’re a bit American, you might get shot,” put in James, “but go on.”

“.. and experience suggests the worst that’ll happen if they see Richard is they’ll run screaming…”

“… Naturally,” agreed James.

“… but there’s always some sort of plan for dogs. Stray dogs are a lot more common. Wearing a collar makes you safer.”

“He’s right, James,” added Richard, softly.

“He’s in danger of getting trodden on,” said James, resignedly, “and you could get shot. I’m only at risk of getting kidnapped.”

“Preventable risk,” pointed out Jeremy, suddenly grinning. “I am Mr Health and Safety.”

James groaned. “I dread to think. Fine, you have a point, it’s more likely than shooting or squashing.”

“So, I’m good to go?” asked Jeremy, almost as though he was asking permission. Almost.

“Yes. You can take me along,” added James, pawing at the door.

Sat on the dashboard, Richard watched them both leave, feeling oddly uncomfortable sitting in the car alone, finding himself flinching at every noise. Jeremy had left the driver’s window wide open, but it occurred to Richard that if someone decided to take the car, it wasn’t like he’d be able to put up much of a fight.

What was he thinking, he was in a Reliant Robin, it was hardly the most desirable car going. It would be fine. Nonetheless, he burrowed down under a cloth intended for wiping the window and kept his eyes firmly fixed on the pavement beside the car. Just in case.

The others seemed to take an age. Whilst the pet shop was in view, and Richard had been able to see them go in and out of there – with a lot more stuff than he’d expected – once they’d finished there, they disappeared out of sight and all he could think was that they’d got into trouble.

Jeremy, in particular, could attract trouble anywhere. Still, usually that led to shouting, and it seemed pretty quiet. Richard settled down and went back to watching. Finally, the two of them reappeared, James sporting a simple new, blue collar and carrying a large bone in his mouth, looking particularly pleased with himself in a way that Richard recognised would be cute if he was actually a dog. Jeremy, on the other hand, was lumbering along with a rucksack and a couple of bags looking very much like a hunchbacked, elderly female Bill Oddie. He looked ridiculous.

Still, he arrived with food. As James sat down on the passenger seat to devour the enormous, stinky bone, Jeremy handed Richard a selection of raisins, nuts and a couple of pieces of apple, and withdrew an entire apple from his pocket for himself, biting into it as soon as he’d tossed the mask onto the back seat. Richard quickly found himself filling his cheeks with food, which naturally, made Jeremy laugh.

Immediately, both Jeremy and James were pelted with raisins as Richard found himself laughing too.

Thankfully the fur hid most of his embarrassment.


	4. Chapter 4

Nights weren’t late here, so it had been dark for hours when they finally drew to a stop. Driving in the dark wasn’t so bad, it made Jeremy less likely to get spotted for a start, but they’d been on the road since first thing in the morning, and they only had the one driver. There was no way Jeremy could carry on any longer. He drew the car up to the side of the road and turned to James.

“I need to stop.”

“That’s fine, Jez. You’ve done really well,” replied James, stretching as he’d been napping lightly in the passenger seat. “I think we’re sleeping in the car though.”

“Are you suggesting that no hotel would take us?” quipped Jeremy, yawning.

“I’ll keep an eye out, I’ve slept,” offered James, looking round the neighbourhood where they rested, entering the outskirts of the capital, Monrovia. The increase in population was just starting to show around them

“Is Hamster awake?” Jeremy asked, peering at the mound of cloths and fur on the dashboard. “I think it’s time for his present.”

“I’m just resting my eyes,” said Richard, poking his nose out from under the cloth. “What present? Should I be afraid?”

Jeremy grinned, which looked very odd on his orang-utan face.

“Definitely,” said James.

Reaching onto the back seat with an extraordinarily long arm, Jeremy pulled out a carrier bag, reaching inside and revealing a hamster cage, complete with tunnel and wheel.

“Thanks, Jez,” sighed Richard.

“I thought it might make a safe place to sleep. And look, you could even do your morning run!” Jeremy shook the cage enthusiastically.

“But I can’t get out,” pointed out Richard, “and I don’t think that plastic will be very comfortable to sleep on.”

“I have dealt with that,” said Jeremy, revealing what looked like a piece of sponge, and a cloth. “Bed and blanket. We can leave the end off the tunnel, so you won’t have any trouble getting out, and it’ll avoid the risk of getting stepped on during the night.”

Richard looked at it, sceptically. “I could just stay here on the dashboard.”

“You could,” Jeremy nodded, “but this will be better.”

“Did you get James a doggy basket too?”

“He wouldn’t let me! No idea why.” Jeremy pouted.

“The collar is plenty bad enough,” replied James, scratching at it as if to make a point.

“Fine,” sighed Richard, crawling out onto the dashboard. “I am getting a bit stiff just staying in one place.”

Jeremy beamed at him. Inserting the ‘bed’, then carefully putting tunnel in place, and flinging the cap for the tunnel onto the back seat to reassure Richard that he wouldn’t get trapped there. He then held his hand out for Richard to crawl on to.

“Are you doing OK?” asked Jeremy, unusually sympathetically, holding Richard’s tiny body up to his eyes as if to inspect him.

“I’m still me,” said Richard, sounding as though he was readying for a fight, as ridiculous as that seemed. “I’m fine.”

“Really?” pressed Jeremy.

“It’s no fun being this small,” sighed Richard.

Jeremy shared a look with James, completely resisting their usual response to that sort of comment.

“The hamster house will help,” promised Jeremy, “it’ll make the world smaller.”

Jeremy slid the hamster house into the passenger foot well, then climbed onto the back seat himself, leaving James more space at the front. Using his coat as a blanket he quickly drifted off to sleep.

Richard crept down the tunnel into the hamster house, full of foreboding, as though he’d conceded to being a hamster somehow. Still, the oaf did have a point – to an extent – having something that fitted his size did help a bit in making him feel less small. Jez had even put his phone into the main section next to his bed – if he stood it on its side, it was like having a TV. Richard slid into the bed, enjoying how cushioned the sponge was after hours sat on the dashboard.

***

Frequently, Jeremy would find himself woken up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, his mind buzzing away and awake. Instead, today, he slept so well in the night that he woke up to the sound of people outside rocking the car – and not in a pleasant way. He wasn’t sure it was an improvement.

“What?” boomed Jeremy, sitting up abruptly enough that he banged his head, and clearly disturbing James, who – rather unexpectedly – barked.

The noise did give the kids outside reason to pause, for a moment they stopped, and Jeremy felt as though he could feel their eyes on him, despite refusing to look.

“Just some kids, Jez,” said James. “And it’s not like you’re famous just now.”

Jeremy grinned. “That’s true. I can be as offensive as I like.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” objected James.

“In that case,” said Jeremy, finally getting into position in the driver’s seat. “Power!”

It wasn’t an impressive departure, Robins weren’t really suited to that, but it did the job. The kids fell away from the car – unharmed – and they were free to leave. Unfortunately, the road took a fairly sharp right turn not very long after they set off, and the Robin couldn’t handle the pace. As they took the bend, the Robin teetered on the brink of holding its wheels, then abruptly gave up and tipped onto its left side, making Jeremy grateful that he hadn’t had time to wind the window down yet. It was early, so there weren’t many other cars around, but Jeremy quickly found himself with a handful of angry dog, and a squeaking hamster cage.

“Should’ve gone with the beetle, mate,” chirped Richard, when everyone had stopped panicking.

“OOf,” said James, scrambling off Jeremy and into the back seat – not without putting a heavy paw right on his stomach first.

Jeremy picked up the hamster cage, peering inside to see if Richard looked OK. The tiny hamster stood there grinning back at him, clearly unhurt. “That was quite exciting,” said Richard. “I’ve never nearly been crushed to death by a phone before.”

Jeremy winced. “Dramatic way to go.”

“Yeah, but imagine the insurance forms,” laughed Richard, “oaf.”

Jeremy grinned back. “We’d better get the right way up, before those kids find us again.”

“Well, I’ll come give you a hand with that, once you tip the hamster house back so that I can get out of the tunnel.”

“Ah,” said Jeremy, immediately tipping it, almost too vigorously, then realising what Richard had said. “You’re going to help right the car?”

“Possibly not,” admitted Richard, “but this is an opportunity to appreciate how huge I normally am.”

Jeremy raised his eyebrows, but said nothing.

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” said James.

Richard finally crawled out of the hamster house, shaking himself a bit, then crawling under the tipped seat into the back with James.

“All OK?” asked James.

“Yeah, just a bruise or two, I’m good,” replied Richard, plonking himself down next to his friend, ready for Jeremy to climb out.

Jeremy quickly took his cue, using his long, strong arms to haul himself out of the passenger window in a way he definitely couldn’t have done in his human body. He struggled momentarily with unwinding the window, then easily pulled his body out and climbed down to the ground, walking round to the back of the car to tip it.

The car tipped easily, proving no obstacle for Jeremy, who then climbed back into the driver’s seat through the battered door. “I have the pooowwwweeeerrr,” he roared, looking immensely pleased with himself.

“Yep, you are the God of righting Robins,” agreed Richard with a sigh, moving his paws over his ears.

“I like that,” said Jeremy, still beaming. “I want to do that again.”

“No thank you,” put in James. “At least, not unless you’re going to let us get out of the car first! Not to mention the conversations you’re going to find yourself having with the police very quickly if you keep rolling the car.”

“Spoilsport!” said Jeremy, settling back down into the driver’s seat. “Right, which way is the fruit market?”

***

Monrovia seemed to be deliberately confusing. Of course, James couldn’t be sure that Jeremy’s map was actually accurate, nor could he turn the page when they got particularly lost, but he still didn’t understand how his navigation was going so badly.

Nor did Jeremy. “How are you lost! How! It’s a grid system, it was set up by Americans. How are we not where we intended to be?”

“I think you’ll find some areas have a sprawling mess of houses with no order what so ever. Like here.”

“Yes,” agreed Jeremy. “Those are the districts we should never had driven anywhere near in the first place.”

“Give me a hand down?” asked Richard from the dashboard. “Maybe I can give him a hand with navigation.”

“I suspect, Hamster, that you need to be able to see out of the window and look at the map at the same time,” observed James, nonetheless leaning onto the dashboard with both front paws to form a bridge for Richard. “But I would appreciate some assistance with this infernal city. Why do we never have satnav when we need it?”

“Wait!” said Richard. “We can just use a phone. Why are we using Jeremy’s dodgy map?”

“That’s a very good point, you got your phone, Jez? Mine’s buried in my luggage. Not much use with paws.”

Jeremy handed his phone over, and quickly Richard tapped away on it to navigate to the maps – using a full paw in place of a finger for each tap. It wasn’t much help in the higgledy-piggledy mess of the unplanned sections, but it helped massively getting them to the market once they’d escaped.

***

Jeremy wasn’t sure why, but he was uncharacteristically nervous about heading into the market. He wasn’t sure whether it was the sheer number of people, or the distance he needed to travel to get to the fruit. Or whether he expected someone to try to rip him off. But whatever it was, he had to admit he felt edgy.

James and Richard seemed to pick up on his nerves, both of them climbing out of the car to join him once they were parked. Jeremy nodded, reassured by their presence, even if he wasn’t sure how they would be able to help.

“Come here, Hamster,” said Jeremy, holding his hand out to let Richard climb off James’ back. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to get spotted here.”

Richard did as he asked, allowing Jeremy to place him in his shirt pocket again, as James nodded in agreement.

“Ready?” he asked.

Sticking close together, well aware that ordinarily they wouldn’t be in the least bit concerned, the trio headed into the market.

It was a lovely market, bustling and friendly in a weirdly slightly American way. With glistening water and brilliant sunshine adding to its beauty. It should have been wonderful. But for the first time, instead of feeling the confidence that all would be righted soon, Jeremy continued to feel uneasy. Amongst so many people, getting spotted as an orang-utan could cause a real mess, if they actually panicked they could even shoot him, he wasn’t sure how the animal rights were in this country – it wasn’t something he’d thought to check into before he left. Richard, too, was in danger of getting deliberately stepped on, he couldn’t imagine many people been pleased about a rodent in a market place. For that reason, sadly, he couldn’t go on and on and annoy the others about how stunning it was, or even wander off and find any random inappropriate presents. He was just going to get in, buy fruit, and leave as quickly as possible.

In the end, Bill Oddie turned out to be reasonably competent at haggling, and the two large baskets of fruit gave Jeremy no trouble. As James would tell him later, they did attract a few second glances, but in a busy place like this, people are much less concerned with strangers, and so they got away with it.


	5. Chapter 5

“On to the highway,” shouted Jeremy, ecstatic as they finally joined the wonderfully smooth, tarmacked surface of the Suakoko Highway that would take them all the way to the border with Guinea. The end of their adventure.

“Fingers, here we come,” said James, wryly. “And proper food!”

“I want to be big again,” nodded Richard, mock glaring at them playfully when they laughed at his choice of words. “I will never feel small again.”

“You know,” said Jeremy. “While we’re driving, we should think of some advantages to being, whatever we are at the moment. Surely there’s some reason why it would be better to be an orang-utan than a Jeremy Clarkson. Not many, obviously, but some.”

“Jeremy Clarkson’s an utter cock?” suggested James.

“I don’t think that’s really changed,” put in Richard.

“No, really, guys. We should try to appreciate it,” protested Jeremy.

“No, really…” Richard broke off. “Yeah, OK, I do quite like the hamster wheel.” He sounded embarrassed.

“Really?” asked James, surprised.

“Yeah, it’s kind of fun, and way easier not to fall over on four legs. It’s a bit like going on one of those Zorb things.”

“We missed a trick there,” said Jeremy. “Should have got you a hamster ball!”

“No thanks,” said Richard. “You’d be way too likely to try to play football with it.”

“He would,” agreed James, “but it’s OK, because he’s rubbish at football.”

“What about you, James,” asked Richard. “Are there advantages to being a dog?”

“I’m thinking,” said James. “I suppose people are nicer to you, as a dog.”

“I didn’t really test that,” said Jeremy. “I like the strength though, and no back ache. Even if I am temporarily short.”

They sat in silence for a moment, but no further suggestions were forthcoming. Finally, Richard added.

“I need a drink though.”

“Later,” said James. “When we’ve worked out how to get Jezza ID.”

“Or, in fact,” said Jeremy, “when we’re ourselves again, because I don’t know how much a hamster can drink!”

“Spoilsport,” added James, “I wanted to see a drunk, wobbly hamster on a wheel.”

Jeremy spluttered.

Richard coughed, then conceded. “I might wait.”

“Guys?” Richard added, barely a moment later. “I think the police might be following us.”

“Oh,” said James. “Cock.”

The police were, indeed chasing them, and moments after Richard mentioned it, they drew past and flashed at them to stop, pulling them over onto the side of the road.

“This isn’t going to go well,” said Jeremy, replacing the cap on his head, but foregoing the mask – he didn’t want to be accused of obstructing his vision.

“Jez,” whispered Richard, “get me down?” The hamster had scooted as close to the edge of the dashboard as he could, and stood looking hopefully at his mate, the orang-utan.

Trying not to look directly at Richard, Jeremy reached an arm out, watching the officer exit his car and saunter over to them, clearly not in any sort of hurry in the heat and sunshine.

“At least he doesn’t seem overly concerned,” observed James. “That’s not the walk of a man who thinks we’ve robbed the crown jewels.”

“Or that he’s about to get eaten by wild animals,” added Richard, quietly.

“Shhh, you’re going to make me laugh,” added Jeremy, which he immediately realised was a mistake.

“Good afternoon,” said the policeman. “Can I see your licence and registration documents, please.”

Jeremy swallowed, reaching over to the glove compartment for the documents, but certain that they weren’t going to do him any good if the cop was paying even one ounce of attention.

“Strange vehicle you have here, sir,” commented the officer.

“Yes, officer. We’re just trying it out for the first time on this road.”

“How does it drive?” The policeman continued to remain amicable, despite checking Jeremy’s licence, which clearly didn’t look even slightly like him.

“It’s rubbish,” said Jeremy, telling it like it is as usual. “It fell over this morning.”

“Really, sir,” the man continued to study the documents, without apparently taking anything in.

“AAArrrrrrggghhhh…” screeched the officer, unexpectedly.

Jeremy, initially mystified, noticed a small bulge heading down his trousers and as it emerged onto his shoe, quickly grabbed it, just as the cop gave up, throwing the documents back through the open window and clutching at his crotch.

“Lenny, I’ve been bit,” he cried into his radio. “Right in the balls!”

The radio’s response was incomprehensible, it sounded like it probably involved laughter.

“Thank you, sir,” the cop managed to squeak, as he waddled back to his car, still clutching his crotch.

“Hammond?” said Jeremy. “Did you just bite a man in his gentleman sausage?”

“Might have done,” responded Richard, still panting slightly from his position on Jeremy’s leg. “Has anyone got a drink? I think I’m going to die from a million horrible diseases.” He stuck his tongue out in distaste as Jeremy and James laughed at him.

***

The cops never reappeared. Jeremy’s documents were carefully tucked back into the glove compartment and they cruised along the highway happily, enjoying the sun and the feeling of success that was so close they could smell it. The road was busy enough, but flowing, the tarmac was lovely, it made a nice ride. Even James, who had been cross the instant he’d seen the 2CV, and worse when he’d turned into a dog, had cheered up. The Robin was no longer a joke, it was a friend.

Naturally, as soon as they made friends with it, it broke down.

As Jeremy pulled over, all three of them climbed out to take a look, Richard riding on Jeremy’s shoulder in an effort to acquire a better view. This time, no one would get abandoned to repair the problem alone. Jeremy reached down to open up the bonnet, and once the great plume of steam had been released, the three of them peered in, James with his paws resting on the front of the car.

“That’s overheating quite badly, looks like a water pump issue,” said James critically, his paws poking at the offending component, just as the Atom pulled up behind them, doing nothing more than sitting there.

Ignoring the, once appealing, Atom, Richard scrambled down Jeremy’s arm, and began hopping between the components to reach the water pump, looking to James for confirmation as he inspected the damage. “Maybe we could rig up something like I had when we did that Alfa challenge?” he suggested.

James nodded. “Could work, we’d need some pipe though.”

“I have just the thing,” said Jeremy, moving round to the boot and beginning to rummage, leaving James and Richard staring at him in surprise. Sure enough, a few minutes later he reappeared with a piece of hosepipe.

“Why do you have hosepipe in your boot, Jez?” asked Richard. “Not that we’re not grateful, but…”

“Is this a hot country?”

“Yes it is,” replied Richard.

“Do we have old cars?”

“Yes.”

“Do we ever have working air conditioning?”

“No, not ever.”

Jeremy shrugged, as if the answer was now obvious. “I came prepared.”

“To make a homemade air conditioning unit?”

“Just in case I felt like I might die, like in Florida.”

“Fair enough,” said Richard.

“Handy,” added James. “All we need is some water and something to pump then.”

“I have an idea about that too,” said Jeremy. “Though I don’t think Hamster’s going to like it.”

“You’re going to have to do all the actual fixing stuff together, you realise, Jez?” pointed out James.

“Manual labour!” exclaimed Jeremy. “I have to do manual labour!”

“So does Hammond, by the sounds of it.”

“Yes, but he enjoys it. I’m allergic to manual labour, we should go in the Atom.”

“We won’t fit,” pointed out James, patiently, “as lovely as it is. I thought the Robin was growing on you?”

“It is.”

“So save it then, man – I mean ape. You know you want to,” nudged James.

“Fine… I am doing manual labour for you, Robin,” announced Jeremy.

James laughed. “True. Now follow my instructions carefully.”

Twenty minutes later, the pipe had been connected to their reserves of water inside the car, and the hamster wheel had been set up to drive it. No driving had occurred yet, however, because Richard was attempting to help Jeremy wrap a plaster round his thumb.

“Tell me how you did this again, Jez? I didn’t see a hammer.”

“I did manual labour!” said Jeremy. “And I was wounded in action! I need lots of sympathy.”

“Does helping with the plaster count as sympathy?” asked Richard.

“I need more!”

Richard sighed, rolling his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve got any more.”

“I’ve got some,” offered James. “I’ve heard that dogs express sympathy by licking.” He hung his impressive tongue out.

“I’m better,” said Jeremy. “Hamster, time to get running.”

“You’re serious? You want me to run all the way to Guinea?”

“You ran to the North Pole once,” pointed out James.

“You like running,” blurted Jeremy.

“It’s a good way to make yourself useful,” added James, gently.

Richard sighed and crawled down the tunnel, carefully placed next to James on the passenger seat, getting himself ready to go, then turned to wait for Jeremy to start the engine. “Ready,” he said.

Jeremy nodded, then turned the ignition, and the engine spluttered back to life.

Richard started running.

***

It was going dark when they reached the border for Guinea. Thankfully, Andy was there to meet them before the border rather than after it – something James had been fretting about.

“So, gentlemen,” began Jeremy, “sort of. Best car of the trip?”

“That seems a bit unfair,” said Richard. “The others didn’t get to make it.”

“True,” agreed Jeremy. “That should be easy then. The best terrible car to test a new road in is the Reliant Robin.”

“Except if you need to go round a corner quickly,” added James.

“Yes. As long as there aren’t too many hairpins.”

“The best car to drive as an actual orang-utan?” suggested Richard. “Could be handy information for someone.”

“Yes,” said Jeremy. “The best terrible car to drive if you’re an orang-utan, is a Reliant Robin. And on that bombshell, it’s time to end.”

Andy laughed from behind the cameraman. “You’ve been brilliant,” he said. “It’s going to turn out great.”

“Yes, and how is it he came to be driving a Reliant Robin as an orang-utan?” asked James. “I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what we’d talked about in planning.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t exactly part of anyone’s planning. It was a birthday gift from Stig.” Andy held out a birthday card for them to read the inscription.

“Ah,” said James. “Of course.”

“It made great TV,” said Andy.

“I need to sleep,” interrupted Jeremy. “And I’m pretty sure Hamster was comatose before we even finished the round up.”

“I’m afraid you’re sharing,” said Andy, leading them into the hotel and past any potentially suspicious staff. “But I figured you wouldn’t mind that at the end anyway, and we thought it might be better for Richard – given what happened at the last hotel.”

Jeremy grinned, tiredly, and the two of them followed Andy to their room in silence, nothing really left to say.

***

Even in the room, Jeremy and James didn’t say much. Normally, at the end of one of their adventures, they’d all be waiting to take a shower, eat and crash on a comfortable bed. Today, all either of them was really looking for was a bed. Jeremy wandered round the room, opening up the extra bed, finding the spare blankets, and removing James’ collar.

James was quite pleased.

Then as James lay down happily on one of the beds, Jeremy carefully deposited the sleeping Hamster on the pull out bed before sprawling out in his own bed. Bliss.

In mere moments, all three of them were asleep.

***

The next any of them knew, it was 10 o’clock in the morning, and Andy was hammering on the door to get them up in time for breakfast.

“We’re up,” yelled Jeremy, the first to open his eyes. He glanced over to James’ bed, unexpectedly getting an eyeful of naked James, fast asleep on top of the covers, arms still above his head. Swallowing, Jeremy averted his eyes and looked in the other direction instead. Sure enough, there, curled in a ball, lay Richard, also naked. And asleep.

Looking down at his stomach, just to check it was actually his own, Jeremy decided the safest thing would be to take a shower.

And make enough noise to wake them up.


End file.
